When life hands you lemons…

You don’t have to make lemonade. You can make lemon bars, lemon cookies, or you don’t have to make anything at all! You can hold them, look at them, throw them, squeeze them, juggle them, give them away, peel them, or anything else you might imagine! In this day and age opportunities may seem endless, and while that might sound wonderful to some, the abundance of choices may lead others to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. So if lemonade sounds good to you, then start squeezing! Others may want to weigh out other options before deciding what to do with their lemons.

The great thing about life and choices is just that: you have the choice! YOU get to choose! So if that choice feels more like a trap ask yourself what are the possible best and worst anticipated outcomes? Usually, life falls somewhere in the middle.

If the choices feel too overwhelming or you want support dealing with stressful times, counseling can help. Email us today for more information at AnotherLook@HealingLLC.com.

Take Good Care,
Amy Hooper, LCSW-C, CEAP
Director, Another Look at Healing, LLC Counseling and Wellness Center for Women and Families

Everyone is doing it… Online Dating: The Do’s and Dont’s

If you are one of the fish swimming in the dating pool you have likely tried or thought about trying online dating websites to potentially meet a match. A decade ago online dating was nearly unheard of, while in this day and age, practically “everyone is doing it”. If you are single and trying to meet someone new and are thinking about trying (or are already using) an online dating website we have a few tips to think about.

Do’s

-Be you! It’s easy to get anxious when meeting someone new, so try a quick relaxation exercise like deep breathing prior to a date.

-If you choose to drink alcohol, allow yourself a limit to maintain your best judgment

-Meet in a public space and keep it simple…coffee shop, restaurant, book shop

-Trust your gut, it’s usually right on

-Practice common sense

-Keep an open mind, you never know! Do you have a “type”? Get out of that comfort zone and meet someone different

-Talk on the phone before meeting to get a feel for the person

-Even if the first date is a bust, try to find something you like about each person you meet

-Relax! Have fun!

Don’ts

-Reveal too much private information before knowing someone (how much is too much? If you wouldn’t want to put it out on social media sites, think before you share). If it is someone you’d like to get to know more, things will unfold naturally.

-Post revealing photographs

-Become too involved back and forth before meeting; yes you want to know who you are going to meet, however at the same time you want to manage your expectations since a false sense of intimacy can be created prior to real personal interaction has occurred.

Are you a Mind Reader? Do you wish people knew what you wanted?

The mind-reading fantasy

“He should just know how it makes me feel when he does that!”

“She should know what that look on my face means by now.”

The fantasy of mind-reading in our relationships is a real wish for many people. What is it? You know when you expect your partner, parent, or friend just knew what to do or say? Or wish she knew just what you wanted for your birthday without having to spell it out? Mind-reading is the idea that your significant other always knows just what you think/feel/want/need and how to respond accordingly. The reality is, without asking, you may not know what she wants, and without her telling you, you really may not know. What you think, and what actually is happening in an others thoughts just might be two different realities.

What this comes down to is the desire one has for another to anticipate and meet his/her own needs. Sounds pretty basic, right? Well it can be.  Mature, healthy adults are responsible for having our own needs met; oftentimes in the communication to and with our partner.

What can you do? Start by being more aware of this kind of thought process of mind reading.  Take a moment and try and take a more global picture of the situation and see if you could be jumping to conclusions based on a possible false belief. Instead of assuming you think you know, ask. Ask for clarification. Take the opportunity to learn what your loved one wants and needs from you.

Save the mind reading for the fortune tellers…

The World's Most Important Relationship Tip

Excellent Article by Dr. Stephanie Buehler, Director, The Buehler Institute:

It isn't remembering your partner's birthday.  It isn't learning how to rub his or her neck just right.  It isn't remembering their favorite dish to order from the local Chinese place, either. No, the world's most important relationship tip is as old as old can be: Listen. However, it's not that simple.  You have to listen on many different levels, all at once.  You have to listen in such a way that your partner feels heard.  You have to open your "third ear" and listen with passion, love, and wisdom.  You need to place all your attention on your partner's words and listen, not just to the literal meaning, but to all the shades of meaning underneath. Have you ever had this dialogue: Partner:  You're not listening to me. You:  Yes, I am. Partner:  No, you're not. You:  Yes, I am.  (Repeat what partner says verbatim.) Partner:  That's what I said, but it's not what I mean.  You don't get me at all! You: (Scratching your head.)  Whatever! In this exchange, the listening partner thinks they're all over it because they heard the words.  But they obviously missed a lot of information.  They missed their partner's tone of voice, their body language, and the feelings behind the words. Your partner isn't simply a word-producing device, with sounds coming out of their throat and mouth that come from nowhere.  Your partner is a thinking, feeling human being.  When they need you to listen, really listen, they are speaking with the hope that they will be understood without having to spell out every single little detail.  If you are intimate partners, it is expected, at least to some extent, that you know your partner well enough that you understand the significance of what they are saying. This type of exchange often happens when the listener is concrete.  That means they are very literal and focused on what is happening on the immediate present.  When someone is concrete, it means that they lack flexibility to understand that there is so much more going on.  It is like being tuned into one channel and not realizing that others exist. Can you develop better skill as a listener?  As a matter of fact, yes!  Here are more tips to make the original tip even better.  For example, don't anticipate what your partner is going to say, and don't start creating a response until your partner has finished speaking. While your partner is speaking, check in with yourself.  What emotional response do you get from their words?  Do you feel sad, upset, angry, amused, or confused?  Can you sense any tightness or other signal in your body, such as in your stomach?  And, what do you notice about your partner's face and body?  Are they tense?  Are their eyes wide open?  Or are they downcast?  What does this body language tell you about the importance of what they are saying? Once your partner has spoken, check in.  Make sure you heard what they said.  Ask.  Then reflect.  How do you want to respond? Try letting your partner know that you understand from their words that they might be feeling angry or distressed or whatever.  If you don't get the feeling behind their words just right, ask them to describe it to you. Respond to the feeling first--very important!  That is what makes your partner feel heard.  Give your partner sympathy or whatever is required.  Even if you don't share their point of view, be patient.  Let your partner know they are as important to you as you are to yourself. Only then can you begin to offer advice or to brainstorm, not before. I think you will be amazed with the result.  You and your partner will feel more intimate.  You will fight less.  Your partner will feel more understanding toward you, as well. Yes, the most important relationship skill is to listen.  The second most important relationship skill is how you speak to your partner--but that's for next month, stay tuned!

Can you hear me now? Making technology work for you AND your relationships.

Technology in this day and age has come so far and is remarkable in so many convenient ways. This convenience of texting, emailing, tweeting, instant messaging, face timing, skyping, facebooking, may be taking a toll you your relationships. Now there is no doubt that these vehicles for communication often are an aid in communicating and staying in touch with our friends and family but what are the consequences of the lack of face to face and telephonic conversations? Let's see how all of us can make adjustments in our lives for the best use of our communication for ourselves and in relation to others.

For those who grew up without cell phones and computers:
Keep in mind you could be missing out on staying in touch if you are resistant to using the latest and greatest tools.
Are your kids responsive via text? Better at keeping in the know when they let you know where they are with the touch of a few key strokes? Learn to use it; be in the know so stay in touch with your teenager with guidelines of use (expectations of time response and consequences if non responsive).

For those who might use modern day communication tools a little too much:
Try to be mindful about the amount of use of texting and emailing. Texts can be a nice way to show someone you are thinking of them though try to take breaks from your phone. For example, leave it in the gym locker or turn it on do not disturb, and if you can fathom the idea, see how it feels to leave the phone at home when going out for the evening. Take opportunities when in company of others to be present and thoughtful about the use of your phone. Think about how it feels when someone you are with is constantly looking at his/her phone. See if you can limit your texting to those times when need to be in touch and let someone know quickly where to meet or are running late. Remember how it feels when you receive a phone call from an important person. Consider how good it feels to hear that persons voice. We are all doing the best that we can to stay in touch. Try your hardest to make the best choice of the use of the different modes of communication.

Benefits of in person contact: 
You can see, hear, and touch. Sometimes you just need a hug, or a hand to be held. Sometimes words over text can be misunderstood without tone of voice. Being present with another allows us to feel more connected, have eye contact, a mirroring smile, or a pat on the back when needed. Notice when you might change your choice of words,emphasis, and tone when face to face, telephone, or email. Awareness is the first step of making improvements in your communication and relationships.

More Sex through Cooperation and Communication

A thought provoking article below by Dr. Stephanie Buehler, Director of The Buehler Institute. Thought you would enjoy! - Amy Hooper, Director, Another Look at Healing, LLC

Yes, Dear:  Sexy Words?  You Bet!

Long ago, a friend told me his secret for a long and happy marriage, two little words that made a huge difference in his relationship.  Those two words were "Yes, dear."  I know, it seems so simplistic that you're wondering if you're going to spend the next 3-4 minutes of your life reading this article.  But hear me out.  There's actually science behind this. John Gottman, an internationally renown psychologist and couples therapist, taped couples to detect patterns in those who stayed together, and those who split.  What he noticed is that cooperative couples tended to have the longest relationships.  For example, if a husband noticed his wife was cooking dinner (and vice versa), he would set the table without being asked.  A woman who asked her partner to empty the dishwasher would be told it would get done, and it would, without any discussion or argument. More science:  Men who do chores get more sex.  It's true.  In a study of male partners, those who took out the trash got laid more often.  We might take it a step further and imagine that when asked to do such chores, instead of a groan, they responded by acting cooperatively. Look, we all have tons of stuff to do.  We all have our pet peeves.  And we all want to get along.  When your partner asks you to do something, do you argue?  Do you think your partner is a nag?  Do you respond with, "Why don't you do it yourself?"  Do you cause a fight?  Do you criticize your partner for wanting you to get your wet teabags out of the sink or running your banana peel down the disposal? Let's go a little further.  What do you suppose your partner thinks when, after asking you to do a few small things and getting barked at, when you come around looking for sex?  That's right, they don't feel like cooperating with you! Maybe it's not little things, though.  Maybe it's big things, like where to live or whether or not to have children.  Such discussions still require cooperation, not a bulldozer.  In such cases, cooperation takes the form of listening.  What is your partner trying to say?  Go deeper:  What is your partner FEELING?  Is there panic?  Dread?  Excitement?  You become more cooperative when you tune in, not just to the words your partner is saying, but their feelings.  Something else happens, too.  Your partner feels HEARD.  Now they are more likely to listen to you in return.  And there it is, a cooperative discussion instead of a fight. What if you are the person who is always asking for things to get done and getting resistance?  I would still invite you to look at whether or not you are cooperative.  Are you, for example, overly controlling about finances, holidays, or family visits?  Are you unable to stand up to others to protect your partner's feelings?  Do you do things for your partner that you don't especially like, just because you feel loving?  Or do you dig in your heels, roll your eyes, and cross your arms while you grudgingly accompany him or her?  You see how being cooperative is a big deal now, right?  Can you see how resolving to be more cooperative can improve your relationship quickly?  Can you also see that even if you think you are angelic in the cooperation department that there is room for improvement?  I could go into all the reasons we might stop being cooperative, but that would miss the point.  I think it's best to simply resolve to act in a more loving and cooperative way with your partner in 2013.  Now what do you say to that?  That's right:  Yes, dear.

Holiday Health Tips, Holiday Survival Guide Part Two

Holiday Health Tips

1. Try to stay relaxed and maintain a positive outlook. While there are stressors, there is also much to be thankful for.

2. Be mindful of over commitment and overspending.

3. Balance work, home, and play.

4. Recreation and Social Connection: Plan fun activities with friends, family, partners and other loved ones. Attend a community event (theatre, music, lecture, etc.).

5. Get support: Having someone (family, friends, co-workers, sponsors, therapists, etc.) to talk to can really lighten the burden of the stress you feel.

6. Do something spiritual if that is important to you: Visit your place of worship. You may find comfort and perspective from your spiritual community.

7. Take care of your body:

8. Eat well and avoid alcohol or other drugs.

9. Exercise regularly & maintain a routine.

10. Make sure to get proper sleep.

11. Stay active: Volunteer or find another meaningful and satisfying activity in which to engage. Pick up an old hobby. Call an old friend. Bake cookies. Finish that home project you’ve been putting off.

12. If the holiday time is stressful for you and you want some extra support, you can always call of office at 240-274-5680 or email us at AnotherLook@HealingLLC.com to set up an appointment to talk to one of our warm, caring therapists. Help is here.

Wishing you a Healthy, Happy Holiday Season and a very Happy New Year!