Feelings About Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner! (Grunt, groan, tears, yippee). The feelings about Valentine's Day are mixed! Whether or not you have a significant other or not, everyone has his/her own feelings about the 14th of February, the day that we have come to recognize as a day of love.

I took an informal random poll of feelings about Valentine's Day, and here are some responses:

"I like it, excuse to eat extra treats!"

"I like the idea, hate the commercialism around it."

"How about making every day a valentine's day and bringing love all the time or even randomly. Why wait for one time a year to express your love for your significant other?"

Eye roll "it's kind of a fun excuse to eat chocolate and do and say something sweet for someone you love. I also love extending it to more than just a significant other. Galentine's are super fun too"

"As long as I get those chalky hearts, I am in!"

"Could take it or leave it. Too much meaning is attached to the day and people end up making themselves miserable if their expectation do not add up or if they are single."

"Waste of a day...hate it."

"Just another day for significant others to fail."

"Who doesn't love love, and chocolate? Even if single!"

The responses say it all: Valentine's Day brings up a lot of mixed feelings for individuals. It can be an awkward day at any stage of a relationship and even more uncomfortable if single. If you are in a relationship, it can be really helpful to talk with your partner about each other's expectations and feelings about the day in general. Perhaps you are quite happy to be on your own, or maybe you would rather be in a romantic relationship. What it really comes down to is how one feels loved and cared for. Gary Chapman has written several books on the languages of love. Everyone feels loved in different ways, including: acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. Chapman's books and website can be helpful tools to understand yours and your partners ways of feeling loved. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ 

Whether you have a special someone to share the commercialized day of love with or you are solo, consider what you can do to show love to yourself and those you care about. Maybe you wish you had someone to buy you flowers or take you out for dinner. This year you may choose to practice loving yourself more and buy yourself flowers, candy, and/or treat yourself to a nice meal. Let Valentine's Day be a reminder to love yourself and those you care for each and every day.

If you would like to see how meeting with a counselor could be helpful for you around this time, reach out to us at Gaithersburg Counseling Center www.healingllc.com, admin@healingllc.com, or 240-274-5680.

HANDLING RELATIONSHIP BUMPS - by Dr. Stephanie Buehler @ The Buehler Institute

It isn't the bumps--it's how you handle them that counts.  Here are some pointers for getting past conflict and returning to harmony:  After an argument, make sure that the issue has been resolved.   What will be different in the future?  How will you make that happen? If the conflict has passed and is resolved, forgive your partner, who is after all only human--just like you.  And apologize.  Whether you started the conflict or helped it to escalate, take responsibility and say sorry.  If it is an issue that doesn't have a good solution, accept the outcome with grace. Don't use your ability to forgive to manipulate a partner or guilt trip them.    Be assertive.  Stay with "I" statements when telling your partner how you are feeling and what you want going forward. Plan to do something that fosters a feeling of togetherness.  This can be as simple as lying in spoons, or going on a date. Learn to let go and move past conflict.  Holding onto feelings of anger can foster more conflict.    Couples that are harmonious tend to have a better sex life.  The phrase is, "make love, not war," not "make war, hang onto bad feelings, and try to repair it with sex"! Article written by: Dr. Stephanie Buehler The Buehler Institute

Six Quick Tips for Dating this Summer!

Dating: 

It can be a daunting, tiring process, but it can help if you do your best to go in with a positive outlook and positive, hopeful attitude.  Whether you are in the dating world or thinking about how to get back in the dating pool here are a few tips and ideas that can help keep you afloat.

Tips:

1. Broaden your options by joining in different activities that interest YOU in order to create a win - win situation. Do something you enjoy whether its playing softball, running, board games, reading books, etc. There is likely a club or activity partners looking for people like yourself to partner up with. Even if you don't meet someone "special" the chances are you are at least having fun, meeting people, and putting yourself out there. (You can try MeetUp.com to find fun things to do in your area!)

2. Take a risk and allow yourself to be moderately vulnerable. You don't have to reveal all of your deepest, darkest secrets on the first date. However, it helps to be genuine and allow your personality out for others to get to know you. 

3. Don't limit yourself to the bar scene, or thinking that's the only way to meet someone new. Everyday and every place provides opportunity to connect with others ( think book store, airport, church/temple, gym). Try going alone; you will be more approachable and more inclined to make conversation with others.

4. Make eye contact and smile.

5. Been in the game for a while? Try taking a break and “dating yourself”. Nourish, give to yourself, and love you before you get back to trying to love someone else.

6. If you want help with your dating and relationships, counseling can help you better understand your needs and wants, as well as help you understand what might be working or not working with the dating you have tried and what you can do differently to create the outcome you desire. For more information about setting up a counseling appointment, contact us today at AnotherLook@HealingLLC.com or call 240-274-5680.

Take Good Care,

Amy Hooper, LCSW-C, CEAP

Director, Another Look at Healing, LLC

Everyone is doing it… Online Dating: The Do’s and Dont’s

If you are one of the fish swimming in the dating pool you have likely tried or thought about trying online dating websites to potentially meet a match. A decade ago online dating was nearly unheard of, while in this day and age, practically “everyone is doing it”. If you are single and trying to meet someone new and are thinking about trying (or are already using) an online dating website we have a few tips to think about.

Do’s

-Be you! It’s easy to get anxious when meeting someone new, so try a quick relaxation exercise like deep breathing prior to a date.

-If you choose to drink alcohol, allow yourself a limit to maintain your best judgment

-Meet in a public space and keep it simple…coffee shop, restaurant, book shop

-Trust your gut, it’s usually right on

-Practice common sense

-Keep an open mind, you never know! Do you have a “type”? Get out of that comfort zone and meet someone different

-Talk on the phone before meeting to get a feel for the person

-Even if the first date is a bust, try to find something you like about each person you meet

-Relax! Have fun!

Don’ts

-Reveal too much private information before knowing someone (how much is too much? If you wouldn’t want to put it out on social media sites, think before you share). If it is someone you’d like to get to know more, things will unfold naturally.

-Post revealing photographs

-Become too involved back and forth before meeting; yes you want to know who you are going to meet, however at the same time you want to manage your expectations since a false sense of intimacy can be created prior to real personal interaction has occurred.

Are you a Mind Reader? Do you wish people knew what you wanted?

The mind-reading fantasy

“He should just know how it makes me feel when he does that!”

“She should know what that look on my face means by now.”

The fantasy of mind-reading in our relationships is a real wish for many people. What is it? You know when you expect your partner, parent, or friend just knew what to do or say? Or wish she knew just what you wanted for your birthday without having to spell it out? Mind-reading is the idea that your significant other always knows just what you think/feel/want/need and how to respond accordingly. The reality is, without asking, you may not know what she wants, and without her telling you, you really may not know. What you think, and what actually is happening in an others thoughts just might be two different realities.

What this comes down to is the desire one has for another to anticipate and meet his/her own needs. Sounds pretty basic, right? Well it can be.  Mature, healthy adults are responsible for having our own needs met; oftentimes in the communication to and with our partner.

What can you do? Start by being more aware of this kind of thought process of mind reading.  Take a moment and try and take a more global picture of the situation and see if you could be jumping to conclusions based on a possible false belief. Instead of assuming you think you know, ask. Ask for clarification. Take the opportunity to learn what your loved one wants and needs from you.

Save the mind reading for the fortune tellers…

The World's Most Important Relationship Tip

Excellent Article by Dr. Stephanie Buehler, Director, The Buehler Institute:

It isn't remembering your partner's birthday.  It isn't learning how to rub his or her neck just right.  It isn't remembering their favorite dish to order from the local Chinese place, either. No, the world's most important relationship tip is as old as old can be: Listen. However, it's not that simple.  You have to listen on many different levels, all at once.  You have to listen in such a way that your partner feels heard.  You have to open your "third ear" and listen with passion, love, and wisdom.  You need to place all your attention on your partner's words and listen, not just to the literal meaning, but to all the shades of meaning underneath. Have you ever had this dialogue: Partner:  You're not listening to me. You:  Yes, I am. Partner:  No, you're not. You:  Yes, I am.  (Repeat what partner says verbatim.) Partner:  That's what I said, but it's not what I mean.  You don't get me at all! You: (Scratching your head.)  Whatever! In this exchange, the listening partner thinks they're all over it because they heard the words.  But they obviously missed a lot of information.  They missed their partner's tone of voice, their body language, and the feelings behind the words. Your partner isn't simply a word-producing device, with sounds coming out of their throat and mouth that come from nowhere.  Your partner is a thinking, feeling human being.  When they need you to listen, really listen, they are speaking with the hope that they will be understood without having to spell out every single little detail.  If you are intimate partners, it is expected, at least to some extent, that you know your partner well enough that you understand the significance of what they are saying. This type of exchange often happens when the listener is concrete.  That means they are very literal and focused on what is happening on the immediate present.  When someone is concrete, it means that they lack flexibility to understand that there is so much more going on.  It is like being tuned into one channel and not realizing that others exist. Can you develop better skill as a listener?  As a matter of fact, yes!  Here are more tips to make the original tip even better.  For example, don't anticipate what your partner is going to say, and don't start creating a response until your partner has finished speaking. While your partner is speaking, check in with yourself.  What emotional response do you get from their words?  Do you feel sad, upset, angry, amused, or confused?  Can you sense any tightness or other signal in your body, such as in your stomach?  And, what do you notice about your partner's face and body?  Are they tense?  Are their eyes wide open?  Or are they downcast?  What does this body language tell you about the importance of what they are saying? Once your partner has spoken, check in.  Make sure you heard what they said.  Ask.  Then reflect.  How do you want to respond? Try letting your partner know that you understand from their words that they might be feeling angry or distressed or whatever.  If you don't get the feeling behind their words just right, ask them to describe it to you. Respond to the feeling first--very important!  That is what makes your partner feel heard.  Give your partner sympathy or whatever is required.  Even if you don't share their point of view, be patient.  Let your partner know they are as important to you as you are to yourself. Only then can you begin to offer advice or to brainstorm, not before. I think you will be amazed with the result.  You and your partner will feel more intimate.  You will fight less.  Your partner will feel more understanding toward you, as well. Yes, the most important relationship skill is to listen.  The second most important relationship skill is how you speak to your partner--but that's for next month, stay tuned!

Can you hear me now? Making technology work for you AND your relationships.

Technology in this day and age has come so far and is remarkable in so many convenient ways. This convenience of texting, emailing, tweeting, instant messaging, face timing, skyping, facebooking, may be taking a toll you your relationships. Now there is no doubt that these vehicles for communication often are an aid in communicating and staying in touch with our friends and family but what are the consequences of the lack of face to face and telephonic conversations? Let's see how all of us can make adjustments in our lives for the best use of our communication for ourselves and in relation to others.

For those who grew up without cell phones and computers:
Keep in mind you could be missing out on staying in touch if you are resistant to using the latest and greatest tools.
Are your kids responsive via text? Better at keeping in the know when they let you know where they are with the touch of a few key strokes? Learn to use it; be in the know so stay in touch with your teenager with guidelines of use (expectations of time response and consequences if non responsive).

For those who might use modern day communication tools a little too much:
Try to be mindful about the amount of use of texting and emailing. Texts can be a nice way to show someone you are thinking of them though try to take breaks from your phone. For example, leave it in the gym locker or turn it on do not disturb, and if you can fathom the idea, see how it feels to leave the phone at home when going out for the evening. Take opportunities when in company of others to be present and thoughtful about the use of your phone. Think about how it feels when someone you are with is constantly looking at his/her phone. See if you can limit your texting to those times when need to be in touch and let someone know quickly where to meet or are running late. Remember how it feels when you receive a phone call from an important person. Consider how good it feels to hear that persons voice. We are all doing the best that we can to stay in touch. Try your hardest to make the best choice of the use of the different modes of communication.

Benefits of in person contact: 
You can see, hear, and touch. Sometimes you just need a hug, or a hand to be held. Sometimes words over text can be misunderstood without tone of voice. Being present with another allows us to feel more connected, have eye contact, a mirroring smile, or a pat on the back when needed. Notice when you might change your choice of words,emphasis, and tone when face to face, telephone, or email. Awareness is the first step of making improvements in your communication and relationships.